If Cats Accessorized, They’d Look Like Me

Today is the day of the ‘Dangerous Dog Classification’ hearing. I have to face the old man dog owner and answer questions to help the Animal Control people determine if the dog that bit me is aggressive. If the Cujo-Apso is classified as dangerous then he will have to wear a muzzle in public. I want this classification. I am 5’3′ and I was bit in the ass by a Lhasa-Apso. Those simple facts alone should be enough to illustrate aggressive dog behavior. But they are not and I must testify at the hearing. Today.

So I am nervous. And when I got dressed this morning I grossly over-accessorized. I changed clothes fifteen times and finally settled on a loud, silky bright floral dress, rhinestone adorned Jerusalem-type sandals, a long chunky silver-circles necklace and a sparkley rhinestone bracelet. Picture a cat toy.

When I walk across the room I jiggle*, sparkle and jingle.

My friend told me I looked “super cute today.” I think the sight of me rendered her speechless and she was left with nothing else to say to explain why she stared at me, train-wreck style.

Another friend just called to invite me to an accessories party tonight. She must have heard and hopes to win the door prize.

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*I was nervous yesterday too so I ate my weight in peanut butter cups. Then I killed myself with abdominal crunches. Now my abs are extremely sore and I cannot suck in my stomach, so it jiggles.

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