Cupcakes May Prevent Dog Bites

I went to a dangerous dog hearing today. I faced the owners of the dog that bit me and listened to the woman tell a panel that I ran up on her husband quickly. The woman also said I was rude because I didn’t announce myself as I approached her husband, so I startled their dog and that is why it bit me. I was running fast like a turtle, on a straight path, in broad daylight. Oh and wait, the woman wasn’t even there.

Then Woman Dog Owner said she wished they weren’t involved in such an unfortunate event. Hmm. My ass wishes that too Woman Dog Owner.

Ahh, but it was my fault their dog bit me. Because I’m rude. And I run too fast. And stealthily.

Which is funny. I’m not a runner. I’m a s-l-o-w jogger and I am miserable the whole time, and everyone around me knows it. I’m a forty-five year old, slightly over-weight, larger-chested, cupcake-loving, mother of three and this old couple actually tried to convince a panel that I can run as fast as that svelte Olympic guy. In the middle of the day. In Florida. And nobody laughed out loud; well, except for maybe my husband.

One minute nobody was there, and the next minute, there she was.

Right. I run like Forrest Gump while emitting the Chariots of Fire theme song from my pores. Evidently the old man missed my gasps for air, the slapping of my fat rolls and my thunderous foot-falls. A herd of cattle moves quietly compared to me (and it’s much prettier too).

I think the man brought his wife along to the hearing for the tear-factor. I keep replaying the hearing again and again in my head, wondering if their old-people wiles worked on the panel. Would the panel choose my side? Should I have cried? I decided to take a Valium. My husband noticed.

What’s wrong?

“I’m full of anxiety and on the verge of a panic attack. I can’t stop thinking about the hearing today and the things I should’ve said. I’m going to take a Valium.

Why don’t you just stop thinking about it?

“Oh. Good idea. Why didn’t I THINK about that? Stupid anxiety disorder! Just STOP thinking! By George, I think you are really on to something Hunny! Stop the presses! My husband has a cure for anxiety disorder! Cancer is next!”

Um. Yeah. You probably should take a Valium.

I’d rather have a cupcake but my thighs would probably grow together; but then, dogs would hear me.


4 comments on “Cupcakes May Prevent Dog Bites

  1. faydanamyjake
    August 10, 2012 at August 10, 2012 #

    It’s really annoying when you think of all the things you could have said after the event. What outcome are you hoping for?

    • virtualendings
      August 10, 2012 at August 10, 2012 #

      I’m hoping they classify the dog as dangerous so when it is in public it will have to be muzzled. There are so many kids in my neighborhood and the dog attacked me, unprovoked. The owner had no control. I’m doing what I can to prevent another person from suffering, most especially a small child.

      • faydanamyjake
        August 10, 2012 at August 10, 2012 #

        Sounds more than reasonable to me, a argument in your favor is children by their nature are impulsive, quick and don’t give warnings. Hope you bite is recovering that must have been a shock 😦

  2. virtualendings
    August 10, 2012 at August 10, 2012 #

    Thank you! The incident happened about a month ago so I’m fully recovered today. And I mangaged to make the very same point about children to the panel yesterday. I’m just doubtful because the woman’s testimony was manipulative as she mentioned several times that she donates and rescues dogs… and she cried and made me out to be Cruella De Vil. The panel wasn’t even supposed to let the woman speak because she wasn’t a direct witness. But they did. So we’ll see.

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