Sweet Baby Jane Has Hairy Pits

It’s the 40th day straight day of rain here in paradise, and I’m ready to build an ark.

Lucky for me, it didn’t rain until after I went to vote this morning. I don’t know how to dress for rain. Obviously, 5″ wedged sandals aren’t a good choice. I can’t exactly walk well on slippery slopes when my center of gravity is balanced on less than an inch of girth. And a shirt-dress isn’t appropriate either.

Although, if it had been raining when I exited the poll building, nobody would have noticed when I lost my footing as the dry and uneven pavement met my 5″ wedges and bare legs. If it had been raining, then four senior citizens wouldn’t have witnessed my gracelessness and rushed over to help me, while I tried to conceal my arm pits. Plus, I could’ve blamed the rain. Seniors understand that.

Thanks to Murphy and his dumb-ass Laws, of course I would fall in public, wearing a sleeveless dress while growing out my pit hair for a wax. I probably looked like John McCain, trying to get up without flashing anyone.

After I hobbled back to my car looking like I’d been in a bar fight, the daily rain came. In buckets. I even saw lightening strike this box while I was stopped at a traffic light. The lightening was so bright, I wiggled my toes just to make sure it didn’t strike me too.

After waiting at the traffic light for a year and fifteen minutes, I decided the lightening must have struck the traffic signal control box. Duh.

Maybe I jarred my brain when I fell?

Then I remembered the time when I was driving behind a parade and didn’t know it. It took me at least five miles, at 10 m.p.h., to reconcile my speed with the roadside debris and the people sitting curbside on lawn chairs looking at me, expectantly. And of the time when I was driving and thought I grabbed Chapstick to smear on my lips, but it was actually lipstick; and I walked through Walmart looking like Sweet Baby Jane.

Yeah. My brains are okay. I just drive ‘in the zone.’

But my ankle hurts so I’m not hauling wood to build an ark. I’ll use my SUP board instead. And I’ll go barefoot and wear my bathing suit.

After I get my pits waxed.


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