I Am Going To Be A Halloween Bag

I’m a mood dresser and Halloween costume decisions overwhelm me.

Getting dressed for work everyday is easy. If I’m feeling twisty, I wear a maxi-dress. If I’m feeling tired, I wear jeans and a cardigan set. If I’m feeling fat, I wear leggings and a swingy tunic. And if I feel normal, I wear khaki’s and a Polo.

And then there is Halloween. For me, a party costume must meet additional criteria:

1.) ease of bathroom use (I will be DUI = reDressing Under Influence)
2.) clever but not slutty (I can’t pull off slutty, it just doesn’t work for me)
3.) comfortable and not twisty (sometimes my body feels larger on one side)
4.) warm (or cool, depending on my ‘flashes’)
5.) husband has to agree to wear the mate to my costume (most difficult criteria)
6.) no orange (I don’t like orange clothes)

Last year I wanted my husband to be Dog the Bounty Hunter and I would be Dog’s wife, Beth; mostly because Beth’s clothes met my Costume Criteria. But my (conservative and preppy) husband refused to go shirtless in a leather vest and don a bleach blond mullet wig with beaded braids on each side.

Instead of Dog and Beth, last year my husband wanted us to be Boris and Natasha from the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon; however, Natasha’s wig, heels and evening dress didn’t meet my Costume Criteria… Especially because I walked into a cabinet and got a concussion a few days before Halloween.

So for Halloween 2011, we dressed as Randy & Evi Quaid’s mugshots. Evi wore sweats, Randy didn’t shave, and they both looked like they were on drugs; which actually worked for us since Hubs didn’t want to shave and I was on drugs (for the concussion).

This year, I decided we could be Homer and Marge Simpson, because I think blue hair would be fun; but my husband isn’t keen on the idea of being bald and yellow.

So I’ve settled on being a Hefty Bag and I plan to cut holes for my neck and arms. And then, depending on my mood, I might knot the bag at my knees.

And my husband can dress up as a Hefty Bag box…. Yes, Hubs can be the box for my present.

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