Drama Mama’s Speechwriter Needs Aide

Via text, at 7:30 on a rare morning I can actually sleep in…

Mom are you awake?

Hello?

YESSSS

(Phone rings) It’s my dramatic, twenty-five year old son.

MOM! HELP! I’m screwed. Are you home? Where are you? I need you to print my speech for class. Mom? Are you asleep? Can you print it? I will come by and get it before class. Where are you?

“Yes Jamie, I am at home. Email it to me and I will print it out for you.”

OKAY. I WILL COME BY AND GET IT IN TWENTY MINUTES!

“Okay.”

And Mom, look it over. Read it and rewrite it, please. I don’t think it’s very good. I wrote it fast, late last night; oh and mom, I need a visual aid too.

“Okay Jamie. Goodbye.”

So much for my leisurely morning.

I print out Jamie’s original speech. Then, I tweak the speech and print out my (better) version. Jamie arrives and reads the speeches.

Mom, I can’t believe you rewrote my speech. I have class in thirty minutes and you REWROTE THE WHOLE THING! I never asked you to do that! I had the other speech memorized. I can’t believe you just did this to me. I am so screwed.

“Then use your old speech. I printed that out for you too.” I went to make a cup of coffee.

No, your version is better. It’s just that I can’t believe you expect me to memorize this speech in thirty minutes. And Mom, part of the speech doesn’t make any sense.

“Jamie, change it however you want to change it. Or use your old speech. I don’t care. And if you had your speech memorized before, why did you need me to print it?”

Sssh! Mom! I’m trying to time myself reading your version of my speech. Now I have to start over. I can’t believe you did this to me! I’m not being graded on content. I’m only being graded on length. My speech has to be three and a half minutes! Sssh!

“Well then, just use your original speech; and the next time you call me, maybe you should actually listen to what comes out of your own mouth.”

Mom! Sssh! I have to time myself. And I still need a visual aid. Mom, I’m so screwed!

‘Well, your speech is about clean water so just take a bottle of water with you and drink out of it in the middle of your speech, like Marco Rubio did, during his speech. In fact, write “Rubio” across your water bottle.”

Mom! Sssh! I’m trying to time this! And oh my God Mom, this is college! The kids in my Public Speaking class are not going to know anything about Marco Rubio’s speech and his water break! Nobody cares about that Mom! Geez. (eye-roll)

And then, finally Jamie gets his wish: I am rendered speechless.

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