My Head Needs 3 Scales

For the past few years, I haven’t had many chances to have lunch with my middle son Alex, because there was a massive ocean between us. But now, for a little while at least, my son is home.

So today I had the mid-day pleasure of his company. During our lunch, Alex unknowingly said the four words that rocked my world to the core, and catapulted me into OCD-land, right in the middle of the restaurant. Alex said, Mom, I think your scale is wrong. Alex went on to say that my bathroom scale shows he lost ten pounds since….whaa-whomp-whaamp-wahh, all of his words sort of ran together like Charlie Brown’s teacher’s words because I stopped listening right after I heard:

YOUR SCALE IS WRONG

“What do you mean my scale is wrong? It can’t be wrong. I mean logically. It can’t be. Wrong. Right? I weigh the same thing at the doctors office as I weigh at home. Oh, and I have another scale in the closet. Alex, we should weigh you on the second scale, the one in the closet. I used to have a third scale, but I gave it away, darn it. I might need to get another scale on the way home from work today. Hmmm. I stopped using two scales last week because they both said the same thing. So I thought it was time; I thought I was ready, and I put one scale away. I put one scale in the closet. I should go back to using two scales again; and maybe even three scales.”

(Alex gives me an odd look)

“Oh wow Alex, you don’t know. You were gone. Uhmm, well. You kinda just brought crazy back Hunny. See, while you were overseas, I had three bathroom scales, all lined up, wall-to-wall, in my bathroom; for several months. I only admitted to having two scales on my blog, because having three scales, side-by-side, makes a person sound, well, bat-shit-crazy. So, last January I gave one scale away, and then, right up until last Friday, the day before you came home, I still had two scales in my bathroom, side-by-side.”

(laughing)

“So, tonight I can take the other scale out of the closet. Yeah, I should probably go back to two scales. I’m not ready for just one scale yet. And we can weigh you again. Alex, are your clothes loose? Do you feel like you’ve lost ten pounds? Maybe it’s the hemisphere. Toilets flush in different directions over there, right? Or were you down there? Maybe Japan has different gravity zones or something. That’s it. Maybe you are heavier on the other side of the earth.”

Mom, chill out. Geez. It’s not a big deal. Actually, I think my pants are tighter. (laughing)

“Alex, seriously. This makes me crazy. I can’t believe I am this size; it hasn’t sunk in yet. And Erich is going to give you the stink eye because he was so happy not to be tripping over scales in our bathroom; and now I’m all scale-crazy again. I bet Erich is going to tell you and me to go to Publix and weigh ourselves on that scale in the lobby.”

That huge scale? (laughing) Really, Mom?

“Yes, really Alex. That huge cattle scale with the numbers so large you can have glaucoma AND cataracts, and still see them clearly. God and everyone in Destin will know what I weigh. THAT scale. Erich teases me about it all the time. Oh God Alex, my clothes are getting tighter as we speak. Logically, I know I’m just being crazy; but in my head, I’m still a fat girl, even as I sit here wearing a size 6. I swear, any minute now I’m going to blow up like Violet Beauregard.”

(more laughing)

“I’m not kidding when you get home tonight, it’s going to be wall-to-wall scales. I’m going to line the baseboards of the whole house with scales. Alex, you just brought crazy back. Welcome home.”

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