Beware of the Frogs

My seventeen year old son Nic walked out to his car a couple of nights ago, and when he came back inside, he said the four words that make me want to head for the hills, or north of I-10; escape the burbs; abandon my comfy little house, and refill my Valium. Every-single-effing-year…

The Formosans are swarming.

“Are you sure?”

Yes, I’m sure. (eyeroll) The frogs are lined up in the driveway. And here, look.

And he picked a Formosan off of his neck and showed it to me.

“Oh my God. HUBS! HUBS! Nic, help me. We need to turn off all of the lights. Turn off the TVs. Cover the food in the kitchen. Oh crap. This is horrible. Nic, make sure the garage door is closed. Oh geez. I thought we were going to get lucky this year, since the nights are still unseasonably cool. SHIT! Nic, hurry. Help me!

Mom, this isn’t like torture. Chill.

“Your right Nic. It’s a close second to torture. It’s a close second to Christmas of 2007, and listening to Slow Ride on Guitar Hero more times than a human should ever have to.. So help me, turn off the porch light. And hurry!”

Hubs saunters into the room.. What’s going on?

The Formosans are swarming, and Mom is freaking out. As usual.

“Hubs, we need to move. We need to move. NOW! Oh Geez, I’m not sleeping tonight, there will be bugs all over the bed. Crawling all over me. Oh man. We need to change the bed sheets. They are going to be everywhere. And I knew it. I knew it! Hubs, remember that bird that fell out of the sky, and dropped dead at my feet today at Publix? Well, I told you it was going to be a bad omen! And it was, this is it! HA! And you thought it meant you’d win the Powerball. Oh my Gawd, this is disgusting. We might as well live in a hut in Africa.”

Hubs grabbed a flashlight and started looking at the ceilings. Yeah, they are bad. We’ve already got a ton of them inside. And I don’t have a job in Africa, so we have to live here.

And so we all wandered around in the dark, like the Ingalls, except we had flashlights. For two hours. Itching and wiggling and batting at the ceiling with brooms, like ninjas with body lice.

And we’ll do it again at dusk tonight. And tomorrow. And the next night. And everynight, until June first.

Because Formosan Termites are attracted to light. And then they get inside your house through the soffits and eaves; and then they loose their wings and crawl all over your ceilings; and then they fall… to whatever is below.. your bed, your glass of water, or you. And they crawl around for another hour or so, until they die.

Our house is treated and bonded and so who cares that they are super-eater termites tracked by the Department of Agriculture and pretty much uncontrollable. Not me. I don’t care that these little buggers won’t set up shop in my house; or that in the morning they’ll all be dead, and their beady gold carcasses will litter my house; or that my neighbor’s baby eats them off the floor before she can vacuum them up; or that my Doctors Without Borders neighbor tells me they are a delicacy in Honduras. Whatever.

All I care about is that for three or four hours, nearly every night, for six weeks every year, those little bastards are alive and crawling on me and my junk, and I’m stuck living with them. And the freaking best part, is that I paid $300,000, to be at this effing picnic.

I would have never survived life on the Prairie; because six weeks of annual Formosans, a skank in my garage, and the occassional opposum, completely unglues me. As does Slow Ride, by Foghat, whenever I hear it on the radio.


5 comments on “Beware of the Frogs

  1. crazymom1386
    May 21, 2013 at May 21, 2013 #

    I never knew they got so bad. I thought last weekend was bad since they were swarming in our back yard. There were no where near that many though, and they didn’t get in the house YIKES!

    • virtualendings
      May 21, 2013 at May 21, 2013 #

      We have a street light at the end of our short driveway, and we live behind (well lit) tennis courts. Plus, it seems like they are worse inside, in rooms with vaulted ceilings.. Which of course includes my bedroom. Going home to a Vodka-Valium latte tonite.. Looking for that meme on Pinterest now LOL

      • crazymom1386
        May 21, 2013 at May 21, 2013 #

        LOL. Good luck hiding from the swarm.

  2. notsofancynancy
    May 21, 2013 at May 21, 2013 #

    OMG! OMG! I thought my snakes are bad! at least I have never had one of those in my house every night for six weeks. Yikes! I would move….I hear there are places with no snakes but I am not moving where you are!!! Where is that BTW? I want to check it off of my bucket list…. horrible!

    • virtualendings
      May 21, 2013 at May 21, 2013 #

      Oh my gosh, I replied to you and now it’s gone. ARGH. Okay, so here I go again LOL Yeah, so it doesn’t swarm every night, only like six or eight nights a season, or I seriously would move to a hut in Africa. Or at least I’d go to my mother-in-law’s house, which would probably be worse than a hut in Africa, actually. Hmm. And we are on the Gulf Coast of Florida, the Panhandle part, in the Central time zone (yep, there is really is a central time zone in FL, remember the Bush vs Gore election? THAT’s where we are!). But funny thing about Formosans, they are bad fliers and they don’t migrate quickly (as in it takes decades to move a mile or two) so while the golf and tennis resort community where we live has them, you can drive fifteen miles in any direction, and find a neighborhood completely Formosan Termite-less. Creeper-bastards. Fortunately, they started late this year (typically they start mid-April) and they will stop abruptly at the end of May because it’ll get too hot (YAY), so we’ll only have a couple of weeks. Super YAY.

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