Cat Scratch Fever

Hubs and I just got back from Disney. We ran the Tower of Terror Ten Miler. And it was super fun.

After the ten mile run, there was an after-party, at Hollywood Studios. And I’m not a fast runner, so before we went to Disney, I was kind of wigging out about the after-party. I knew I wouldn’t have time to finish the ten mile run, then go back to the hotel room, shower and change. Which meant I would have to go to the party, as-is; hot, sweaty, smelly, and oh-so-dirty-old-man-ripe. Along with the other 9,999 other runners, who also wouldn’t have time to shower. But I have fake-OCD, so being all sweaty, ripe, and smelly bugged me. More.

So I planned to bring a change of clothes in my checked bag, along with baby wipes and deodorant; but seriously, after running ten miles in seventy-five degree weather, in eighty-seven percent humidity… yeah. Even Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother would run screaming back to her pumpkin after one whiff… baby wipes can only work so much magic.

The night before we left for Disney I had a magical idea; it hit me as I was shaving my legs in the shower, at midnight. I know, I know, my midnight-ideas ARE NEVER GOOD IDEAS. But I swear I didn’t see this train coming. Really. And I just kept shaving. ALL THE WAY UP. This thought-train sort of went like: hmmm… I might feel a bit cleaner, less smelly, more Disney-esque, at the after-party, if I had a Brazilian…

So I did some Disney-scaping. And then I went to bed.

We hit the road to Orlando about five hours later. And if you know me, you know I am in a zombie-walking-dead mode in the morning, especially before six. I completely forgot about my midnight-magical idea. I know. Hard to believe. But I forgot. Until the first bathroom stop. And OH-MY-GAWD.

The first thing I thought when I saw my Disney-scape in the bathroom, was that I needed to warn Hubs… No. Actually, that was the third thing that crossed my mind. The first thing I thought was: these bathroom stall doors have five inch gaps, and if someone walks in here and sees me, they’ll call the CDC because I look like I have the f&%king mange. So I made it quick.

And then, the second thing I thought about, was how thankful I was that Hubs was stuck with me, and my mangy self. Since he married me. And we had kids. And junk.

And THEN I decided I needed to warn Hubs; because if he caught a glimpse of me, he would think I had some sort of illness; or maybe that my hormones were really whacked again, and this time, my crotch hairs were falling out. In random gobs.

OH-MY-GAWD. I didn’t have a Brazilian. I had a St. Jude’s.

I missed. Some spots. Altogether. And in some areas, I have a five o’clock shadow. Holy effing $hit. I look like I’ve been shaved by Frat Boys.

I frantically texted Ethel (because you always have to tell your BFF first to quiet the voices in your head): I tried to shave myself to be cleaner for the run, and I ended up with a Hari-Krishna-St. Jude’s-style Brazilian. If we get into an accident on the way to Orlando, and I die or I’m seriously injured, or whatever, please don’t let my boys see me naked. Or let them talk to any doctors that may have seen me naked. And tell the doctors that I’m not diseased. And tell that to my mother-in-law too. Oh gawd. Better yet. Don’t tell my mother-in-law that I died. Please.

And Ethel totally got it. She understood. Ethel gets me. She is my go-to person. Nothing I do surprises her.

Then I told Hubs. And he laughed and laughed. And laughed. And then I showed him while he was driving (when no trucks were around). And he laughed more. He laughed so hard, I thought he might wreck, so I was really glad I sent Ethel a damage control text.

Some things men just don’t understand.

And I’m not sure if my St’ Jude’s helped with my body odor, because I couldn’t smell myself at the after-party, over the third-world-stench-cloud occupying Hollywood Studios that night. I think I totally blended, but honestly I was too tired to care.

I did however, run my fastest three mile spread EVER, and I totally attribute my high speed to low drag. So there is that.


3 comments on “Cat Scratch Fever

  1. bensbitterblog
    October 9, 2013 at October 9, 2013 #

    I was at Disney last December and I felt like I walked 10 miles a day just doing the parks. My feet have never been more sore.

    • virtualendings
      October 9, 2013 at October 9, 2013 #

      We walked all day Friday in Epcot. And then all day Saturday in Downtown Disney. And then we ran 10mi. Saturday night. And by mile 7, I was miserable. It was a tough run because we walked so much at the parks. It really sneaks up on you. Even the walk to our pool was probably a mile (we stayed on the Disney resort). And we are/were well trained for this run! Disney is hardcore -that mouse will kick your a$$

      • bensbitterblog
        October 9, 2013 at October 9, 2013 #

        Like you said Disney kicks you in two ways. Money and all that walking.

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