In Case I Die, You Can Eat Off My Floor

So my house is clean today. We are getting ready for vacation, and in case we die, and people have to come, and look through our house to find paperwork; prepare our things; find our funeral clothes, I had to clean. Really well. And it took all weekend.

When my boys were young, I used to obsess about the cleanliness of my house. With three boys, three dogs and a husband with the hoarder gene, it’s safe to say, I was borderline committable most of the time, back then. But hey, you could eat off my floors at any given moment -even though nobody ever did.

And then middle-age came along… My sons are mostly grown, and whenever we sit around and reminisce about their childhood, it seems like most of their fun memories are always when I let them make the biggest messes; unfortunately, those times were way too rare.

So, a couple of years ago, I decided to let the house cleaning go; floors, cobwebs, windows; all of it. I decided Hubs and I would clean a little bit here, and a little bit there, and we would live life more, and I would stop obsessing. Just like that, I decided I didn’t have to have an eat-off-the-floors-clean house, one-hundred-percent of the time. I decided my house just needed to be cleaner than a Mexican jail; clean enough so nothing grew; clean enough so we didn’t get cockroaches, and so nobody got sick.

And so far, so good. I’m okay. Mostly.

…As long as I don’t hire a maid service; both times I’ve booked a maid service, the night before the maids were scheduled to arrive, my fake-OCD kicked-in, and I stayed up all night cleaning like Hazel on cocaine.

And then there was that other time… When we had a last-minute house guest, and my fake-OCD switch popped, and I cleaned for six hours non-stop, and the next day I couldn’t move, because my back was frozen, and I couldn’t taste or smell, because the bleach fumes burned my senses.

But otherwise, on a day-to-day basis, I’m okay. Really. You can’t eat off my floors. Well, I mean, you can today… Because in case we die on vacation, the house has to be clean for the funeral people…

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4 comments on “In Case I Die, You Can Eat Off My Floor

  1. Kerry's Organized Chaos
    October 29, 2013 at October 29, 2013 #

    I applaud you! I dream of being able to do that someday!

    • virtualendings
      October 30, 2013 at October 30, 2013 #

      It a work in progress.. I have my moments. Like this week, I’m cleaning in case we die.. lol

  2. bensbitterblog
    October 30, 2013 at October 30, 2013 #

    Can someone please explain to my why women clean before a maid comes? I would leave the biggest mess ever if I ever got a maid.

    • virtualendings
      October 30, 2013 at October 30, 2013 #

      HA! It would take a while to explain it, cause, you see, it’s like this whole conversation that takes place in my head… And you probably would need ovaries to understand anyways.

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