Normal Neighborhoods Have Horses

I put off folding laundry all week and this morning I had to dig through four loads of clean, unfolded laundry to find underwear (I found some) and it made me late for work.

As I left the house in a rush, I pried open my car door with my hip, my tote bag in one hand, and a steaming cup of hot coffee in the other, and the neighborhood stray cat my husband feeds-but-swears-he-doesn’t, jumped out of my car


and I lost my coffee, down the front of my white sweater.

I don’t like cats. Sorry cat lovers. I’m not a fan of horses either but they don’t jump on my head, so I’d pick a horse over a cat any f&%king day.

Hubs, why don’t we move to a neighborhood with horses, and you can sneak-feed the neighborhood horse?

Evidently, the dim-witted cat was somehow trapped in my car overnight, and the interior of my car was (and is) now covered in cat hair. Of course, I didn’t have time to vacuum. Which is a problem because I’m allergic to cats. So when I went back inside to change my coffee-soaked clothes, I grabbed a bottle of Benedryl, and an unmarked bottle of eyedrops from my vanity, to combat the inevitable itchy eyes, and my pending allergic-blotchy-snot-fest.

And of course, while I was driving to work, my eyes started to itch, and my nose started to drip, so I put a drop in my eye… Just one drop, in one eye. And Jesus-Christ-Christmas. It wasn’t eyedrops! It was a swimmer’s ear concoction of alcohol and vinegar I made from a pin on Pinterest.


I managed to continue my drive without getting into a wreck. I still had one good eye.

And at work, the downward spiral continued… I opened a box of calendars that were delivered to my office via UPS; I didn’t bother to look and see who the box was addressed to; at this point I was half-legally blind and I didn’t really care. I wanted to look extremely busy so the UPS guy would get out of my office, and not notice that I looked like I’d been shot in the eye with a BB gun, Christmas-Story-style.

As soon as I opened the box, right on top, there was a Runner’s Calendar; I admired it through my one open eye. I fondled it. As any runner would. It was information packed, alluring, and simply beautiful. A runner’s dream.


When my coworker came to my office to claim her UPS box, she noticed I was stroking her Runner’s Calendar, and one-eying it. I must have looked pathetic because my coworker quickly took the calendar away from me, and she told me it was a Christmas present for her brother; so I asked her where she got the calendar, because I really liked it, and as soon as I could read my credit card numbers clearly, I was going to buy one for myself… And then she told me not to buy one, that the Runner’s calendar was really for me. For Christmas.

Hubs, I really wish we could move to a neighborhood with horses.

I’ve emerged from under the rock, and I’ve noticed my eye swelling has pretty much subsided, and the itching isn’t so bad; probably because I haven’t been in my hairy-cat-dander infested car for the last few hours. My nose is still runny, but I’m sure that’s from the residual cat hair on my clothes. And I have a rash on the right side of my face. The coffee burns are better, it just looks like I have a mild, blotchy sunburn. And the Benadryl is making me very sleepy… But the good news is that I’m not blind, so I can eventually read my awesome new Runner’s Calendar… just don’t rush me.

One comment on “Normal Neighborhoods Have Horses

  1. bensbitterblog
    December 13, 2013 at December 13, 2013 #

    Yeah I hate cats too!

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