boobs are the first sign

Soooo what happens to you when your favorite sibling and their partner dump you because they are immature, selfish fatheads?

Well, let me just tell you. So you know…

First you spend the weekend at the beach with great friends drinking mojitos and you try to pretend you are in your happy place. Or Key West. Which is kind of the same thing.

Then you get chased through the grocery by a really nice man, overly eager to make you sample his chocolate. And it’s really good chocolate. Because well, it’s f&%king chocolate.

You cry a lot. And you never quite capture that feeling of being in Key West, although you have a great time with your friends and you finish all of your mojitos.

Oh, and you buy the chocolate. Because it’s chocolate. Later, you eat the entire tin of chocolate.

A few hours after that, you see yourself in a photograph on Facebook with your boobs hanging low, far-flung, and half-out of your bathing suit, with your husband’s little head poking over your shoulder.

So you decide to go bathing suit shopping because you will never wear that bathing suit in public again. And you find the most awesome bathing suit. With a zipper. So you can zip that shit up.

suit
Then reality sets in and you decide to go on a diet. Because size six people don’t have boobs. You realize that this is the first place you gain weight…

They’re here…

So a serious I-gotta-drag-this-ass-and-these-pups-through-the-streets-of-Ohio-in-thirteen-weeks-oh-my-gawd kind of diet, starts. Now.
salad
Yes. That is Kale. And other four-letter-word food.

So essentially, when your favorite sibling unfriends you, a crazed-chubby-chaser will follow you through the grocery store trying to feed you chocolate on a tiny spoon, your Hubs will hide his entire body behind yours in a picture that will get blasted to your friends on Facebook, and you realize you have fat-girl boobs.

2 comments on “boobs are the first sign

  1. Sally
    June 24, 2014 at June 24, 2014 #

    ROLMAO….you are beautiful!!!!

    • virtualendings
      June 24, 2014 at June 24, 2014 #

      Thank you. And you took an awesome photo 🙂 However, my entire body still covered Hubs’ body. And my junk was realistically hanging low and loose,and propped up on my belly. So. I’m actually just one tooth and one chest tattoo away from looking like I belong on the back of our Harley.

      Pictures say a 1,000 words, and this one screamed OMG GO ON A DIET ALREADY. I heard it. Plus, I’m lumping it all under my selfish-sibling’s fault for shit happening.

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